MY DAILY STRUGGLE WITH GRIEF

Most people who are struggling with grief have experienced the loss of someone very close to them. I guess, in a way, I'm lucky because the grief that I experience regards the loss of someone that I've never met. But that doesn't make it any easier.

It's a Monday night and a TV show has just premiered on ITV: Diana, Our Mother. Prince Harry and Prince William say the most touching things about their mother, videos play of her legacy, and images of her and the boys. One of the things that really touched me was when Prince Harry said: 'not knowing that it was the last time I'd speak to my mum, how differently that conversation would have panned out'. Despite Diana's death being before my lifetime and not really knowing much about her, she is a wonderful woman, but it's not her that I'm grieving for.

Because, throughout the TV show my eyes continued to glance over to my mum. Every few seconds. Is she okay? 

My mum's mother died when my mum was only 17 and for my whole lifetime I've known my mum as in grief. She's strong, determined and independent but, every year, when October (the month her mother passed away) rolls around, things can sometimes feel a bit low. As a result of this, my mum and I have an extremely close relationship and we're both sensitive, meaning we often share each others emotions and can be very empathetic towards one another. This is exactly the reason why I don't go a day without thinking of my grandmother.

I may have never met her and not know much about her, but I guess that just makes it harder. As you could probably imagine, my mum doesn't speak much about her and, while part of me understands that that is just a coping method, I do wish I could learn all about her.

Grief is a sad topic. A taboo. A conversation to be avoided. No body really wants to talk about it and certainly not experience it. But I think that there is one really important message that has came out of my grief: You must respect those closest to you. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a strong believer in showing respect for your mother. While other people may have valid reasons to think otherwise, it is a big part of my life. I've seen people my own age talk bad of their mothers, either behind their backs or to their face and each time it hurts me so much. 'We're so lucky to have our mothers. You don't understand how lucky' I think. 

I'm 100% certain that, if my mum could turn back time and keep her mother with us, she would in a heartbeat because her life has been so affected by that loss. And, as Prince Harry said, you don't realise how little time you get until it's over. 

So whether you have a close friend, uncle, mother or father, don't waste time being angry, distant or reserved from one another - it does sound brutal, but we never know what is going to happen and when. So we have to make that difference now.

Make memories. Please. Because I was never able to make memories with my grandmother, and that is something that hurts me every day.

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